Almost But Not Quite

We almost had a baby today. Almost.

I got an e-mail from a wonderful woman (Lindsey, who I know we would be fast friends if we ever get to meet in person!) saying she had some information on a little boy who was born June 25th and didn't have a family.

I opened the e-mail after lunch and didn't even get finished before my palms started to sweat and my stomach started to migrate towards my throat (it DOES NOT belong there). After being reminded to breath by a co-worker I quickly called Russell to give him the info. And there really wasn't much to give him, but he said yes, let's take a closer look. I hammered out an e-mail back to Lindsey asking for more info and her number. Luckily I managed to locate her number and called her. She put me in contact with the woman who had given her the info and I got into contact with her.

And that is where everything started to go south. This beautiful ( I know he is beautiful because every baby is beautiful) little boy was born on June 25th very early. His mother also admitted to doing cocaine throughout the pregnancy. As I listened to her explain what she knew, my heart started to sink. I know what we have set as our boundaries and I know what we would be able to handle. This is not a situation we would be able to do.

Another issues is that he is bi-racial. We normally would be open to a child of any race, if we lived in a diverse area. Since we do not live in a diverse area, we both feel that it would be unfair to our child to put him/her in such a position. We have neighbors who adopted two beautiful children (a boy and a girl) from Haiti. Their daughter was going to a Montessori school and had a very difficult time with other children and their meanness towards her. I am not prepared to handle that. In fact, I am still shocked when I see a black person in our area, there just isn't a huge population here in Prescott.

So in the time span of an hour we went from having a possible baby to knowing that this wasn't going to be our son. I cannot tell you the roller coaster of emotions that is. It's like finding out your pregnant and having a miscarriage in the same day.

I think I handled it well, there were VERY few tears and I only needed a short walk around the block to clear my head and get back to work. We know God has our baby already picked out, just waiting for us. But it was really hard not to scream yes as loud as I could.