They are keeping the baby.

June 23, 2009

June 23, 2009 - due date

January 8, 2009 - 1st ultrasound

Totally excited and overwhelmed at the same time.

Too many emotions to type anything else, but I will soon!

Good News!

We have a meeting Friday with a prospective birthmom. I can't tell you how excited this makes me. I will tell more later!

3 months!

It's been three months since I've written here. There has been no news except yesterday we received our court approval of our homestudy! It's so nice that the kind judge who has never met us decided that we are fit to be parents.

Our computer crashed last month and then we went on vacation so I've been neglectful of many things, let alone this blog. The nursery still is not finished and I've been putting it off for no particular reason.

Last Saturday my friends threw me a wonderful baby shower which I will post pictures of when I get around to posting the pictures of the nursery. I wouldn't hold your breath, you might just pass out!

Thanks for your continued prayers and support, they mean the world to us!

Still Here, Still Waiting

Hi everyone. Just wanted to let you all know we are still here and still alive! We haven't had any news yet and our caseworker called this week to tell us the county still has not approved our homestudy yet. They still have about 50-60 days to approve it, so no worrys.

We're almost done with the nursery and when I get some pictures on the walls I will post photos.

Thanks to everyone for your prayers and words of encouragement! They mean so much to us.

Finally It's Up

Our letter that is. We turned in our letter a little over three weeks ago and they finally put it up on the website today. After a little reminder from me.

This is the first major frustration from our agency(so I should feel lucky). When we turned in the letter I asked how long it will take to be put up on the website (they've been showing our letter since they got it, but prospective birth mother's look at the website too) and was told by our caseworker that she couldn't give me a date, the IT guy would put it up when he got around to it.

I wasn't overly thrilled at this answer since we had to fork over $1,000 when we turned in our letter. So I let it go thinking it would be put up by the end of the week. Well it wasn't and I started to silently fret. I didn't really want to ruffle any feathers seeing as these are the people who are in control of our future status as parents. Finally, last night we checked the website again and it was STILL NOT UP. We sent an e-mail to our case worker about 5:00 yesterday and at 9:00 this morning the letter was up.

I still do not think that this is ok. From what we've been told there are more babies than parents. If this is the case it would stand to reason that they would not be having a large intake of letters. So why does this take so long? I'm upset (even though it's a little trivial I still feel like it should have been handled quicker) and what about the people who just assume it's up and don't check? I don't think there are many of those, but you never know. I know the other two couples who went through the process the same time we did don't have their letters up yet. And that could be because they haven't turned them in, but what if it's not? We are giving these people a lot of money, they should have better quality control.

Well that was my rant for the week. I've got pictures of the nursery waiting on my camera to upload I just have to find the time.

**A link to our letter - http://cfcare.org/matchletters.html

Almost But Not Quite

We almost had a baby today. Almost.

I got an e-mail from a wonderful woman (Lindsey, who I know we would be fast friends if we ever get to meet in person!) saying she had some information on a little boy who was born June 25th and didn't have a family.

I opened the e-mail after lunch and didn't even get finished before my palms started to sweat and my stomach started to migrate towards my throat (it DOES NOT belong there). After being reminded to breath by a co-worker I quickly called Russell to give him the info. And there really wasn't much to give him, but he said yes, let's take a closer look. I hammered out an e-mail back to Lindsey asking for more info and her number. Luckily I managed to locate her number and called her. She put me in contact with the woman who had given her the info and I got into contact with her.

And that is where everything started to go south. This beautiful ( I know he is beautiful because every baby is beautiful) little boy was born on June 25th very early. His mother also admitted to doing cocaine throughout the pregnancy. As I listened to her explain what she knew, my heart started to sink. I know what we have set as our boundaries and I know what we would be able to handle. This is not a situation we would be able to do.

Another issues is that he is bi-racial. We normally would be open to a child of any race, if we lived in a diverse area. Since we do not live in a diverse area, we both feel that it would be unfair to our child to put him/her in such a position. We have neighbors who adopted two beautiful children (a boy and a girl) from Haiti. Their daughter was going to a Montessori school and had a very difficult time with other children and their meanness towards her. I am not prepared to handle that. In fact, I am still shocked when I see a black person in our area, there just isn't a huge population here in Prescott.

So in the time span of an hour we went from having a possible baby to knowing that this wasn't going to be our son. I cannot tell you the roller coaster of emotions that is. It's like finding out your pregnant and having a miscarriage in the same day.

I think I handled it well, there were VERY few tears and I only needed a short walk around the block to clear my head and get back to work. We know God has our baby already picked out, just waiting for us. But it was really hard not to scream yes as loud as I could.

Approved

It has been awhile since I've had the time to write here. I feel like I have been neglecting this spot, this place where we share this exciting journey with all our friends and family. But tonight? Tonight I have great news - we've been approved!

We are now one step closer to having a family. Our agency approved us this past Tuesday and our case worker called this morning to let me know. The only thing left we need to do is finish our letter (to the potential birth parent(s)) and then the waiting starts.

We do not know how soon we will be placed with a baby, only God does. It could be months or we could get a call next week telling us to go pick up a baby at a hospital somewhere in the state. We are both still processing this news as each step we finish the whole thing becomes so real. I was telling my dad today (Hi dad!) that I no longer feel like a fraud for having all of this baby stuff in our home. That there will actually be a baby using all of this stuff. Finally.

We painted the "nursery" over Memorial weekend and it turned out fantastic. Once it's all finished and everything is put together I will post some pictures. We've got a crib, bedding, a changing table, a dresser (in white), a car seat( in orange), and tons of really tiny diapers (click on the highlighted word to see what it looks like)!

We plan to have our letter to the agency by Monday morning and then we sit back and wait. It's the waiting I fear will be the hardest part. Up until now we've had things to do - applications to fill out, more paper work, meetings and classes. Now there is nothing to do but pray and continue to prepare. Although there is one thing that will keep me fairly busy - apparently I have started nesting. There are things around the house that have been put off, things that need major cleanings and I simply cannot wait any longer to do them. It's actually quite funny (for those who know me well - I am not a cleaner!) that this should strike now. Hopefully we will get almost everything we want accomplished before the baby comes.

I've told my work that it could be any day or months. They hired a woman to work part time until I take my leave and she will work full time during then. It's nice to know I don't have to think about work while we are bonding with our new baby.

I'll try to be better about posting here. There are so many things about our story I haven't told yet - true goose bump moments that should be shared. So until I find time to get something typed out or we hear anything, thank you for your love and support!

Miracles are Everywhere

Giving something over to God is easier said than done. The bible calls us to lay down our cares at the Lord's feet and he will take them over. That's what he wants to do, to make our lives easier for us. He tells us in Matthew 11:28-30 - 28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." He wants to be able to help us with our struggles, fears and burdens. To make our lives easier by allowing him to carry whatever it is that is weighing us down.

Money is an especially hard thing for most people to let go of. In our culture it's totally understandable that the mindset is all about "me". It's MY money, not God's. I'm in control of the money situation, He can't (or won't) possibly be able to help me and I don't want to let him. It's a daily struggle for most people, including Christians. It's hard for me to let that aspect of our life be controlled by God.

Since starting this process, I have been all-consumed by the money, $15,000 is A LOT OF MONEY! However, God has shown that if we are faithful and obedient, he will provide for our needs. I know I've talked a lot about that here, but it's just so true! And never has it been more evident than in the past two months.

Last Tuesday I walked into the house to find Russell sitting at the kitchen counter with an envelope in his hand. He was just staring at it, unable to open it. He handed it to me and I immediately knew what it was. I opened the letter and began to read it aloud. Tucked inside the letter was another envelope and before I could open it I saw the check. I dropped the envelope and started crying and shaking simultaneously - Russell had to open it. A generous soul, an anonymous being, has blessed us with $5,000 to put towards our fund.

The funny thing is that a few days prior I had been stressing out about money. I vacillate between knowing that God will provide (how can he NOT, look at everything he's done in such a short period of time?) and fruitlessly stressing about how WE are going to pay for this adoption! Now with only a little less than $5,000 to our goal (and over $10,000 raised in less than two months!) it seems foolish that I ever wavered, that I ever doubted God was going to provide.

Countless people have heard our story and every time someone makes a comment it usually involves them being totally blown over by what has happened. Even non-Christians have remarked about the "amazing luck" we've had. I hate to tell them, it's not luck, it's God. There is no other answer.

So thank you anonymous, from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you for giving so generously so we can be a family. Your gift will always be remembered in our home, and God will see to it that you are rewarded for your selflessness on the day you meet him face-to-face(I know that isn't why you did this, but you will still be rewarded!). You will always hold a special place in our hearts.

$10,497.61

That's right folks, we have managed to raise and/or been given over $10,000 in 2.5 months! God is so good! I'll explain more about how we got there and how amazing it is.

The Meeting is Over

I just got a message from our case worker and the board has a few more questions they want answered. Nothing to be worried about though, Erika (case worker) told us this could happen. We're just kind of in limbo right now for the next few weeks and that is a little irritating.

Oh well, things have gone so smoothly this far, we should expect some bumps in the road. I'll let you all know when we hear anything.

Tomorrow is the day

Tomorrow our case worker will present us before our agency's approval board. She will give them all the information she has collected as well as her feelings on us from the meetings that we've had. They will either approve us or not that very same day, so prayers would be great!

We're not altogether worried about it. If they don't approve us that day, it will more than likely be for something small, not anything huge that would prevent us from ever getting a baby. Upon our approval we will submit our birth parent letter (which we still need to write!) to the agency and that is how we are chosen. They will present our letter to birth parents around the state that match our criteria and if they like us we will have a face to face meeting. If that goes well, the birth parent(s) can choose us and then we wait for the baby to be born. This process could take days or months. It just depends on when "our" birth parent(s) decide to go to the agency.

This is exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time. Please keep us in your prayers as Satan is truly using this time to attack us, especially me. I haven't been sleeping well the past few weeks due to nightmares about Russell being killed in the line of duty. They are pretty disturbing dreams and leave me in a funk for the rest of the day. I know they are only because of the transition we are going through and Satan is using this to get to me. I've also been experiencing some severe doubts and anxiety about the adoption and have had a few negative encounters from friends and as well as strangers.

Thank you all for your support it means so much to us.

Oh yeah, check out the Heights Church link to the right. They've put up our story about the garage sale! Once at the website click on NEWS and you'll see a title about a garage sale.

It's Been Awhile

The garage sale was a huge success! Our goal was $1000 for the weekend and by 11:00 Saturday morning we had already made that much. The grand total was $1,949.61. We both are in total awe and overwhelmed by how much money we made.

So thank you to everyone who donated! We appreciate it more than you will ever know. I don't think we will be having a garage sale again anytime soon though, it was pretty exhausting. But the weekend was amazing and it is an experience I will never forget.

We put up signs at the sale saying THANK YOU All Proceeds Go To Our Adoption Fund. That of course had people asking questions and we got to tell a little about our story. Throughout the day on Saturday, people were telling us their stories about adoption or their belief in God and it was so amazing to get to share that with complete strangers. We had a few people who didn't buy anything but they still wanted to contribute to our fund!

Sunday we decided to wrap up the sale at noon as it was much slower than Saturday. My parents left around 11:00 and Russell and I just hung out and talked to the few people who would straggle on in. For some reason we didn't close down at noon and about 15 minutes after the last person left a woman and her daughter pulled up. It was obvious they didn't have a lot of money so whatever they bought I discounted. We had the local christian music station playing and she asked if we were Christians. I said yes and she asked if we were moving (we had taken down the thank you signs already). When I told her what the sale was for, her eyes teared up and she started to tell me her story.

When she was 17 she found out she was pregnant. Her parents, not wanting the "stain" of a daughter who was pregnant and unwed, sent her to a girls detention center in LA for the duration of her pregnancy. This woman was a new Christian and she wasn't sure what she wanted to do. Her mother had placed her older sister for adoption at birth and she knew she didn't want to take the same road. So she prayed for 24 hours straight until she felt she had gotten an answer from God. She kept her baby, and on the day she was at our house that little baby was giving a speech at a church conference on the East coast.

As the woman finished her story, tears were pouring down her face. She said that she would be praying for us and that what we were doing took a true act of faith in God. She and her daughter left after purchasing their items and I started to clean up. Five minutes later they pull back into the driveway and the daughter gets out and runs up to me. She shoved a wad of cash into my hands apologizing for the amount, but that it was all they had and they wanted us to have it. Twenty-one dollars. All the money they had left for the week and they wanted us to have it. I ran after the car and through my tears hugged the woman and her daughter and couldn't find my voice to say thank you. But I'm sure she knew how I felt.

It wasn't the amount that struck me, I would have been just as emotional had it been $1.00. This woman, moved by our plight and her past(and perhaps the hand of God), wanted to help us create a family. Still, four days later, I cannot write nor think about this without tears. To know that people who have no vested interest in whether or not we have a child gave what they had so we could be parents.

I have always been able to see God working in my life, after the fact. This is the first time in my 28 years of existence that I have actually been able to watch God work while he's in the midst of it. Had we closed up when we had planned, we would have never been blessed by meeting that woman and her daughter, hearing her story. Daily I am reminded how blessed we are, that this is truly the work of God. We have done so little on this journey, so little in fact I feel foolish. I've heard so many stories where couples have poured their heart and soul and every ounce of being into an adoption and have it go horribly wrong. And while there is still a long road ahead of us and it has been an emotional journey, I can't help but feel light and relaxed, knowing that God is in control. All we have to do is let go.

Provisions

Apparently God really is in control and listens when we ask for things.

Not two hours after I published the last post about trust and him being in control I got an e-mail from a wonderful woman (Hi Lindsey!) who gave me links to gun safes. They ended up not working out, but that led me to a place where we found a gun safe for $99.99.

Then I found the exact crib we had been looking at on the BabiesRUs website. The one on the website was $250. We got the crib we wanted, mattress and matching changing table for $110.00. All of that separately would have been about $450!

Thank you God for your provisions! and thank you family and friends for your prayers!

Garage Sale

While we fully believe that God will provide the financial need for our adoption we also believe He does not want us sitting on our rears waiting for the windfall. So we decided to have a garage sale.

And what a garage sale this will be! Throughout the short time we've been on this journey, God has shown how wonderful he is by providing us with amazing and supportive friends and family. Never in our wildest dreams did we think we would be getting such support. So far we have an entire garage full of things donated to us to sell. And there is still more to come! Our garage is packed and I mean PACKED full of clothes and furniture and knick-knacks and electronics and anything you can imagine.

So on May 3 & 4th we will be holding our garage sale. If your in the area stop on by, even if it's just to say hi, we'd love to see you. For obvious reasons I will not be posting our address here, so if you want to stop by but don't' know where to go e-mail me and I'll give you directions.

Our goal for the sale is $1000, but anything we make will be more than welcomed (and appreciated!). God has been very faithful so far - blessing us with things we've needed for free! We've just got to be faithful ourselves and not worry about the things He is in control of, which of course is easier said than done.

It's easy to get caught up in the worry and fear that somehow the money won't be there. It's daunting adding up all the expenses of the adoption, let alone all the other things we need as well! We have the same dreams of the "perfect nursery" and the brand new things as every parent does. We want things to be just so for our first child. Just because we aren't giving birth to this baby doesn't mean we don't have the same first time parent wants and desires. We just have to remember that God provides in ways that aren't necessarily the way we were thinking He would, or should. Even though it's not what we may have wanted, at the time He is giving it to us, it is exactly what we need. And I have to remember that. Every little thing is a blessing, everything we DON'T have to pay for (even if it isn't the "one" we wanted) is a HUGE blessing.

So far God has made it abundantly clear that He will provide everything we need. We just need to let it go.

So stop on by, or keep us in your prayers that weekend and we'll watch a miracle take place - adding more money to our fund!

If you are of the praying persuasion - here is a major item we need in order for our home study to be completed: a gun safe.
These things can be very expensive, usually between $300 and $700 dollars. This is an expense we will HAVE to come up with and before the end of next month, which means that amount gets taken away from the actual goal. So pray that God will provide for one that meets our needs (must be able to hold a shotgun and a rifle at the least) and that it becomes available before the end of next month! It must be in our home, installed and in use before May 30th.

It Went Well

We just finished our first meeting and it went really well! We really hit it off with our case worker and scheduled the rest of our appointments for 05/05, 05/09, & 05/30. So it looks like our case will go before the judge sometime in early June. Yeah!

It wasn't as painful as I thought it would be although we did have to answer some very personal questions. She was very impressed that our packet was so thoroughly complete and that we new things most perspective parents don't right off the bat. We do need to finish one thing, but in our fairness the directions weren't very clear!

All in all things are looking great. E (our caseworker) told us that we should start writing our letter to the birth parents now because we will be able to put it into the book before the judge approves us. I'm a little nervous about making sure the right thing gets said and that we make it look good. I know that God is in control so I really shouldn't worry too much, but after everything we've been through knowing the majority of our chances lies in that letter, well, I want it to be perfect.

It looks like we have one advantage already. E told us that firefighter and cops tend to be chosen quickly, so pray that is true! Anything we can do to up our chances is a good thing.

All in all it was a very good meeting and we all clicked right away. Apparently though, according to Russell, I talked too much! I can't imagine me talking too much, can you?

First Meeting

I just got off the phone with our case worker and we have our first meeting this Friday! This is just a get-to-know you meeting, we will still need to meet with her three more times. I asked her how long this process usually takes with her and she said if we can get things scheduled, she could be able to present our homestudy before the judge by the end of May.



Since she's on contract with our agency and not a full time employee her cases tend to move quicker through the system than the other case workers. Wow. I don't even have words to describe how quickly this is going! We could have our letter in that the birthparents choose from in the book before June (I'll explain this a little later).

Wow. We could use lots of prayer right now for this meeting and the next three to come! I'll update soon on how the meeting went.

Questions and the Uncomfortable

I'm still working out the paragraph bugs, but the comments are now working. It's amazing the amount of traffic we've already seen on our little blog and it's only been going for less than twenty four hours!

I know that adoption and infertility can be an uncomfortable topic, especially for those who don't know a lot about it. So if you have any questions, just let us know. Either through e-mail or by leaving a comment. We aren't afraid of any questions, you'd be amazed at what strangers will ask! We welcome this opportunity to help spread the facts about infertility and adoption. There are so many misconceptions floating out there and we want to make sure that as adoptive parents and as a couple dealing with infertility we share as much information as possible.

So ask away!

Working Out The Bugs

I'm having a hard time setting up the comment section. So if you'd like you can e-mail me at
nessa120@yahoo.com in the mean time.

Also, I am working on the paragraph issue. It shouldn't look like a giant mass of words.

Sorry!

In the beginning

Most of you know our story already. For those that don't, here is a little introduction.

In November of 2005 Russell & I thought I was pregnant. So the day before Thanksgiving, we went to the doctor to find out, super excited to unveil the big news the next day with our family. What a thing to be thankful for!

Well, as you can all guess - it was a no. No big deal though, we hadn't been trying and it wasn't a big let down. The next day we hosted our first Thanksgiving with about 15 people in a very tiny condo. We also decided, what the heck, let's start trying to make a baby. So we threw out the birth control and announced it to the world on Turkey day. Surely it wouldn't be too difficult, and what a fun pastime! We assumed within a few months we'd be on our way to baby land, if not by Christmas.

Except Christmas came and went and so did many more months without any sign of the illusive stork. And you'd be amazed how quickly the thought of that pastime can make picking up dog poop sound like a much better thing to do! Two and half years later and many tests, doctor appointments and tears, we were crushed. And by we I mean me. And not in a bad way. Russell has always, from the very beginning known that someday we would be parents and that God was in control. It's not that this isn't difficult for him too, it's just that I can be a little ... obsessive. So it's a good thing he's around or I wouldn't be so sane right now.

We had always known that at some point we would like to add to our family by adoption, you know, after we got a few of our own under our belt. And with Russell being adopted, it just felt like the it was the right thing for our family. The only hic-up in this plan was that we weren't given an option to get a few of our own before adding to our brood by adopting - it turns out it's the only way we are going to get our family.

Before we had actually made the decision to adopt, still clinging to the hope of having our own, God decided to start showing us His plans. Little by little he opened our eyes just a bit at a time to what his grand plan would be. It's kind of like putting a puzzle together. Except you don't have the cover to guide you. You kind of know what it's supposed to look like, but the details are still a little fuzzy. This is how our world has been for the last nine months.

This is an amazing journey we have gotten ourselves into and we are excited to be able to have you all along for the ride. I will try to update as often as I can, letting you all know about the progress.

Today's progress?? We turned in our application. Let the whirlwind begin!